I
Am Van Helsing
catalogue essay for the exhibition
ESCAPE OPTION, Westspace, Melbourne, 2004
Van Helsing will be in theatres May 7th. Like, I can't
wait. I love movies that are so ubiquitous that I don't
even need to know what etheatre' it's actually playing in.
I could walk into a 7-11 and it'll probably be playing.
Hey - here's a banner on a website telling me again. I can
squint hard and still see its evocative Gothic logo. Wow
- there's a fucking 10 metre billboard outside. I feel so
dwarfed by its rockin' cockin' size. Van Helsing
is everywhere so much it just makes me want to see any movie.
I don't care, just shove it in me, ram it up me, blow it
all over me. "Van Helsing is me." I'm my own ad line for
my own movie. I gaze into its tacky airbrushed artwork done
by hacks who probably think Lord of The Rings is
a statement on the 'awesome' special effects that cinema
now gives us. I stand underneath the majesty of the "Van
Helsing" billboard, quivering at the art of computers. My
imagination is so excited by the gnarly winged beast in
the background. I better ring mum and tell her I'm OK in
case she's worried by such frightening realism in this revolutionary
era of digital cinema. The lettering looks like it's made
of fucking metal. How did they achieve such realism? And
there's a hairy Hugh Jackman and some actress who I don't
know - the standard 'Hollywood girlfriend' deal. I'll wait
til next week's New Idea to find out about her enriched
life. I'm so in love with movies these days and the high
production values they bring to me and the pathetic life
I lead. As I wither away, doing nothing but menial tasks
on OS-X, I'm saved from throwing myself into the Yarra because
Hollywood is heeding my call for something 'edgy', 'kick-arse',
'in-your-face'. I demand such things, and as I look into
the mirror, I can securely say "yes - you are important".
Because Van Helsing is me; I am Van Helsing. I look at Hugh's
leather pants, and thrill to the notion of wearing leather
pants. My impotency can dance large in such attire. I don
them and prance upon my Ikea furniture as I play the soundtrack
loud - classic expensive symphonic stuff of which I know
nothing but nonetheless demand. I know 'quality' when I
hear it, so don't presume I'm a moron. I've read Joseph
Campbell. I don't do escapism. I demand my movies to have
substance and follow the hero's journey. Because I am a
hero. Bend over and let me lick you, Hollywood. Hugh, come
a bit closer. And you - chick with the Benny Hill bustier
- go get us a designer beer. Because on May 7th, we are
Van Helsing.
