Curating
Video Art 101
published in Photofile No.74,
Sydney, 2005
Please memorise this list if possible. You will be tested
on this at the end of the semester.
1. When a video artist shows you something in slow motion,
it really isn’t all that beautiful. In fact, it looks
dumb.
2. If a video looks like a Calvin Kline ad from 15 years
ago, tell the video artist to get a haircut: it’s
better for them, plus we won’t have to look at their
messy hair in their ‘counter-style’ video.
3. Skateboarders actually aren’t interesting at all,
so don’t think it’s ‘cool’ to incorporate
them in your exhibition.
4. It possibly might not be important where artists came
from or what nationality their parents are. Plus, photos
of parents are quite painful to look at, so try and avoid
selecting videos featuring such images.
5. The gorgeous wailing of Muslim women on a soundtrack
is not art. Buy some CDs and listen in private if you are
seduced by such music.
6. Video installations are just rooms with junk around a
monitor. Save everyone time and money and just project the
video with some comfortable seats. Artists you suggest this
to might cry, but be firm.
7. If you want to curate an exhibition on ‘the everyday’,
just get yourself a proper job and don’t bore people
with such a dull concept.
8. Be careful of video artists who talk about ‘the
cinema’. Like you, they probably haven’t seen
many movies, so don’t think they can advise you.
9. Things like ‘really long static shots’ I’m
afraid aren’t revolutionary because despite the recent
resurgence of ‘real rock’n’roll’,
it is not 1972.
10. It might make you feel good to think that people who
watch movies are ‘passively consuming entertainment’
but this has been scientifically proven to be a myth.
11. When it comes to sound and music, please do not attempt
to make any decisions. Leave this to a professional, as
you may get hurt.
12. Funny thing about video – it always looks better
when the lights are turned out. Most galleries have many
switches within easy reach on their walls, so please turn
them off.
13. I could say something about turning up the sound but
I don’t want you to electrocute yourself. Please contact
your nearest professional and make sure they turn the volume
up extremely loud. Give gallery staff ear-plugs if they
complain. Or just kick them where it hurts – this
will stop their complaints.
14. There is nothing important about September 11th despite
what many people say. Please refrain from saying things
like “since 9/11 everything has changed” and
so on.
15. We do not live in any special sort of era. In fact,
everything is quite boring, so don’t mislead people
into thinking that ‘something is going down in the
world’. I will be subtracting marks from any curators
who attempt this ploy.
16. If someone is doing something personal with their video
art – it isn’t personal. At all.
17. I know we covered this last semester, but my contract
requires me to specify in each learning module that artists
are not special people. So please do not treat them as if
they have some glorious insight into the world. If you feel
overcome with maternal/paternal instincts, breed –
don’t curate.
18. If you wish to incorporate ‘interactivity’
in your exhibition, please bend over.
19. An artist using a pop song in video art is like anyone
either enrolling in a DJ course or wearing an iPod in public:
tragic.
20. Bioethics is best left to Current Affairs, Woman’s
Day and people who think one day robots will rule the world.
To pose such ‘big questions’ is inane, and artists
who think they’re suddenly connected to ‘big
issues’ require medication.
21. ‘Funny’ video art works usually aren’t
funny. In fact, like most video art, they’re sad.
